luni, 25 noiembrie 2013

Monday brainstorming...

I'm currently in a loop, in a gap of inspiration, and I don't know how to get out of it. What I do know is what brought me here in the first place. Even just thinking about it makes me head hurt, just like now, when I'm writing these lines. These lines are the first ones, in a long time, that I am writing without a certain purpose, a certain result, just for the love of writing, and not premeditating what I am about to write. I write as my thought come to my mind. And my thoughts bring me to the conclusion that if I want to write for money, on certain subjects, I am not that good at it. I can't let my quality down, just because then I can no longer write at all; I am that kind of writer that can write only what his agitated mind is dictating, and not what some oversea guys who ask for this subject or that. I've been doing the latter for the last two months and I find myself exhausted. And when I think that I dreamt of getting a job as a journalist I think now "what the heck was I thinking?".

my nightstand a few days back
 I am a little desperate, I must admit, as I realize that is not really a job for me, and as I realize that writing for money becomes more and more difficult everyday. It's nerve-wrecking, but at the  same time I must admit it is a wake up call; my mind is not really a toy I can squeeze for answers or creativity. I am creative up to the point where it is asked of me to be so; after that point I am plain useless. And just now, when I found out that I can make good money from writing, the stress is even bigger, since I really need that money, but my brain refuses to cooperate! Is that wacky or what? I am indeed so strange that I cannot understand myself either! And I hate myself for that....
I had five articles to write this weekend, and each time I started I gave up in about five minutes. Usually I could write 5 articles in 2-3 hours, not I couldn't do that in 2 whole days! Is this brain exhaustion? I can't say I've been writing much even the past week; and this way I'm going to loose my clients, which I really like. I've decided to work with them because I liked them and their subjects. Now why can't I write those God damned articles? see? now my stress level is going higher. I think I need a vacation...
I also feel extremely tired, probably because of the stress and the stress also comes from feeling tired, so it's a damned circle I can't get out of!
I've even noticed I can't read a whole article from beginning to the end, even if I love the subject; I used to read tens of articles a day on my favorite sites, now I can't concentrate. I need to do some yoga or meditation or slow my brain down,. or else I think it might tick. Am I getting sick or something? I think it's just the stress and that makes me kind of attention disorder-like affected. I'm aware of the fact that I've not been taking care of my diet either these past few weeks, eating something that I come up with on the spot, not really cooking...and some cabbage leaves and a carrot cannot be brain food, I know...
So while writing it down I feel a little bit better, this is the reason I'm writing, letting it all out and understanding me as I go... I came right now to these conclusion:
- cook winter foods, and need to eat more nuts, these are good for the brain, fruits are also required..I am already eating that, but they can't make up for the other type of food;
- meditate a little every day, like not starting the computer immediately after I enter my home, I bought some books on meditation - I shouldn't leave them collect dust;
- write a little in my spare time and try to not write late at night; I won't get any rest afterwords; and I must get in schedule with these two clients;
- going to bed earlier, my brain needs to unplug in order to function better!
- writing on my blogs more; I've been missing this a lot!

Now that would be nice to do! I hope I can make it!
 Have a wonderful week and bisous!

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