luni, 21 martie 2016

on self-sufficiency...

I've read somewhere that life is that which happens to you when you're not paying attention. It might well be so; as I am terribly trying to live my life to the max and have as many experiences as possible, before I find out it is too late. And isn't this what life is made up of? experiences, happy moments and hurtful times; love and hate?
All these are for me the result of interaction with people around me; either the ones I love and would protect with all my being; or of people I come into more ore less of a collision with; depending on the outcome, obviously. I don't include work here, as that is for me a whole different planet; a place I feel isolated and alone; but at the same time able to be in my own world, which is a more than ideal situation, I must admit.
I've been obsessing over the concept of self-sufficiency for some time now: I've already gathered so many thoughts on it that I could actually write a short book; and the more I think about it the more it scares me. At some point, when deciding a new direction in my life, I thought about this as an attribute that could define me; but then I realized that I was fooling myself, I could never be that type of person. I am addicted to my friends and my circle; and only thinking that it might come a day when I will have nobody to call for a drink on the town makes me shiver.

And then, of course my train of thoughts derails and I dig deeper into the issue. There are people thinking they are self sufficient; and this piece in particular is inspired by such a person I've recently met. Isolated, alone, but kidding oneself with the illusion that computers, movies, games and such can replace the void only deepens the gap. You don't find insight by looking into your misery, you have to find the root of that misery and pull it out. Unless, and I am more and more inclined to believe this, you can only feel alive when you suffer. Everything else is just too superficial, too little for you. Don't tell me that being alone all the time, and even with people you are in your own world; locked up in your own mind, you will pursue happiness, because I won't believe it.
Ok, I might be over-social; a social butterfly if you wish; but the exact opposite of me won't give anyone a full and happy life. And although I know that a happy life is an abstract notion; we're basically and deep inside all just cut out the same way. So, yes, I do believe that we all strive to love someone. Please pay attention to the fact that I said love; and not be loved. Only by loving you can really feel existence; as only then you have the certitude that nothing is certain or lasts forever, and you might get hurt at any time; but you're still doing it.

So, you might say that happiness is somewhat tangent to self-sacrifice. Just as you feel very warm and fuzzy inside when you're doing a good deed.
When you condemn yourself to self-sufficiency you absolutely lose that warm feeling; but there is still a sort of self sacrifice and a good dose of resignation; which kind of gives you the same taste; and so you live off those truly intense emotions. At some point; they may replace loving someone; but they also leave you  utterly alone. Inside and out.

Self condemning; and self-flagellation, like I like to call it; through self-sufficiency; may hurt people around you whom would like to get closer; but you are the one hurting the most in the end. And yes, it is a bitter and attractive taste; I know; but even that is not something you'll taste forever.

The sadness of it all strikes me when I think of how we all get old and die. Only we can choose if we live our lives or not. The problem is that nobody can make us; and time(that same notion that's been obsessing me for a while) just slips away.
This self-sufficiency deal is so slippery that at times even I wonder if I'm getting it right. It's not about the others at the end of the day; it's deeply about you, the one condemned by a mere notion that sometimes in the past rooted in a vulnerable mid. And don't tell me now that it has no roots, or motive; or it doesn't keep residence in your mind; because I dare say that every shrink out there would raise a brow.
Well, reaching the turning point, where you will probably hate me; I have to state that most of us got hurt sometimes, maybe once, maybe several times; but what can I say? some are bolder and try again; and some...just quit.
I dare say this self-sufficiency idea comes from the hidden fear of not being sufficient enough. Any shrink out there to applaud me? Have you any idea how much it took me to realize this? And do you think it helped?
But, hey, I get it. It is much safer to hurt yourself by isolation and loneliness, than to be hurt by others! I really get it!
Even I am afraid to ask why I understand all these. I am not like this at all; I hate being isolated; I love noise around me at all times; everybody knows me as an extroverted type of gal'.
Last but not least so to speak; I get why the need for it; all the isolation and the necessity to hurt; but I don't understand the weakness; that is something I was not equipped to accept. And even the resignation, the giving up part, that is something alien to me, and I pray to all gods out there that I won't be forced to accept resignation as a way of life; for that would truly be the only time when I would be ashamed of myself.

Derailed, but still in love with the world,

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