vineri, 26 august 2016


What do you do when you realize you are a control freak? You either freak out even more; or you push the breaks.
 Well, I'm doing that right now, with all my force.
"Creatio ex nihilo" by Estellium

Let me tell you a short story. When learning to ride my bike, I used to make use of my back tire break mostly, which would often lead to my butt "dancing" when breaking too hard; and the only thing that kept me from falling down really hard was the knowledge that my bike's butt was about to wiggle, and me holding my position for dear life. Finally, after 5 years of driving more and more, starting to go off on my own for longer and longer distances, I started using the emergency break, which is on the front tire. I used to hate it because it would turn all my weight up on the front part of the motorcycle, and as my arms are my weakest point, the whole pressure was on them, which scared the hell out of me. With lots of experience came the moment when, from a pretty high speed, I could finally use both my brakes in such a way that my bike would stop without actually putting me in danger, or freaking me out; which would subsequently lead to even bigger danger.
Drawing a line here, I think that only with lots of practice experience will be gained and a better life experience can be reached. Growing up as I did, mostly alone and trying to make a way for myself in life, I had to set a "few" rigid rules to help me get through. The most important rule was that nobody else will decide in my place what will actually happen to me. I've been struggling to hold that rule up as a shield for ever since I can remember my first decision; so this is pretty much engraved in my personality, willing or not. If that doesn't make me a control freak, then I really don't know what does.
All fine and pink; getting older (and wiser, as I would like to think), I had come upon situations and people who would not bend to my will. Now, I'm only referring to such people and events as are important to me, excluding thus a big chunk of what's happening around me; as I am actually pretty notorious among my friends for being an ace when it comes to not giving a rat's ass about things and people I don't like, or I'm not interested in. In these delicate cases when I do care I use to take initiative, arrange outings, keep everybody in touch, and usually I am the one making the reservations. I guess that being the assistant at my workplace makes me want to be the one organizing things; that just to put it mildly that I am the total control freak.
Of course that, as a measure of self preservation, I would try to control every aspect of my life. It is one thing to organize the way you are going to meet with your friends, and completely another to try and control a special person's life, just so that they will bend to your will and make you feel in control of the situation. Guess what? There comes a time and a person who will not accept that, who will not let you control the action, no matter how much you want and try to break them. And it's not that they don't care about you or your feelings, but because some things are not acceptable, no matter how much you want to interfere in their lives.
And you know what? It is ok! You can't and by all means you shouldn't be able to control everything around you! I know control gives you a sense of security, of a safe heaven, but it's just an illusion. The real, important things in life can not be controlled; just like life and death, or love. Just as I can't control what is about to happen tomorrow in the world, just like that I can't really control if I like a person or I don't. And exactly like that I can't control somebody's feelings for me. And I'm starting to understand and accept this.
Just like everybody, I'm in the full process of learning... learning to live, learning to love, learning to hit the breaks and let go...for the first time in my life not being in control and letting it go makes me feel more powerful than ever. I can bet that the right person, the one that's going to love you no matter what is not the one you can bend to your will, but the one who wants to do everything for you from the bottom of their heart, and without anybody suggesting it.
So yes, I am prepared to let life get to me, show me what it's like to be surprised, and I'm about to live every second of what's coming and enjoy it the best I can. Just learning to be.


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