duminică, 6 decembrie 2015

On the pains of growing up...

You know, books prepare you for a lot of issues on your journey through life, they show you the good and the bad in people, the darkness of the soul and the angelic light of really high-spirited people. They tell you about everything, if only you take the time to understand. There are always signs in books, showing you who the bad guy is, and eventually you find the solution on how to avoid this bad guy. As an avid reader, I was prepared for the bad guy to come into my life, and avoid him as quickly as possible. Then, it happened. I found one whom I thought I could save. My closest friends say I have the "mother Theresa syndrome"; that is I am always trying to help the lost ones. The sadder you are, the more I feel the need to help you. This is what happened this time also. Only this time I wasn't careful enough. Made a mistake and left my guard down; I was preparing myself for disaster. I was so attracted by the wounded and bad side, that I forgot to look right into the eyes of the person next to me; chose not to listen to the verbal signs; ignored my instinctual warnings.
Then I suffered for a whole day, due to the mistakes I made. One good cry and a feverish night later; I woke with the feeling that my life is really beautiful. I could surpass this, as it was less than many other pains I've been through; everything could be done right again. Then I realized how pretty strong I was. Unlike the guy who got scared and run away at the first sign of responsibility needed from his part; although from what he was bragging about it seemed that he was the strongest man alive; I woke up confident that I can get through anything. Especially this minor setback.
This realization made me laugh out loud. The more they bark, the less they bite; or so it seems to me. Really strong people don't brag about how strong they are, they just put themselves out there and do the job. The most accomplished people don't feel the need to brag and be applauded for their success. They just are.

Even now, while I'm writing this, I feel a smile crawling on my face, as I feel compassion for the person who is a dry as bone, because he won't allow himself to feel. He is sad and lonely on his journey, no matter how much he struggles. Money would mean nothing for the person who would really love him; but I see now that he is so sad and lonely especially because, somewhere deep inside, he feels terribly lonely and knows that this is his fate for the rest of his life. Thus, the only feeling I can have for him from now on is compassion, and nothing else. As much as I like to help sad people, I realized he is far beyond my reach.
Fear paralyzes us, transforms us into many things that we are not, isolates us and ultimately makes us sad and lonely. I feel really sorry for the men out there who feel like they need to prove something. They are weak and sad people. I understood one thing this past night: you don't need to prove anything, you just need to be! If you can't do that, then you are bound for a sad, little, unhappy life. 
I grew up this past night, I understood what I really have to do and what I need from the man who will be sitting next to me on this awkward journey we call life. And I understood I like my life just the way it is, with its ups and downs, and I wouldn't trade it for any others'.


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