joi, 5 noiembrie 2015

On strength and other stupid stuff..........

I've been strong ever since I can remember. I was a strong kid, a strong teenager and a strong young woman. This is the spirit I was raised in: "You are your own maker, your destiny lies in your hands, nobody will do it for you and then nobody can take credit for what you are!"
That made me very selfish and self-centered; and it's no surprise now, if I look back, that my sister never really got close to me, because I wouldn't let her; of fear of her taking the credit for anything I did.
Somehow, along the way, my ego; fueled by the motivation inoculated to me, got bigger and bigger; until it got the best of me. I would feel superior to everyone, better than most and at the same time it drove me to learn more, know more, comprise more; so that I could lift up to that image made of me. Looking back: now I know the motivation was well meant; but planted in my stubborn and avid for recognition earth, it created a small monster. Just because I knew more I thought I was better; just because I could get over everything and all the tragedies in my life I thought I was the epitome of strength. Slowly but surely it made me wrap up in my own world like in a cozy cocoon where nobody new could enter. Never.
Yes, there were a few breaches, created intentionally by me for my very close friends, because, like any other true human, I was afraid to be alone; but even those friends had to suffer from my selfishness; and more than once.
Anybody who would ever want to help me would hit into a wall of real stubbornness; and I would immediately make anything on my own; from  carrying stuff by myself to riding my bike alone, just because it gave me the feeling that I had managed to do something extraordinary by my own. All these gave me control over my own life; made me feel secure and that was mostly because that was the way I would prove to myself that I never needed anyone for real. Everything to be done I could do by myself, anything needed to be done had to be done by me. Thus I felt strong; and my strength grew slowly but steady while the years passed. until I could do absolutely everything by myself; and I didn't even really need anyone beside me. This is the peak of my strength: auto-sufficiency.
But what goes up must come down; and so now I've grown tired of everything and anything around me. I had gained a lot; but also lost a lot. I rejected many people that probably deserved to be known; and I've intimidated a fair share of people; driving them away.
Being a strong woman has its's perks, you know...
Now, faced with disappointment and hurt by a person more selfish than myself, I suffer and wish I was someone else. But then again; I remember who I am and raise my chin up high again. "Tomorrow is another day!" echoes in my head; it's no wonder that that is the last sentence of my favorite heroine.... the resemblance strikes me often...
But then again I sometimes wished I was different; fragile, breakable, frail indeed; so that maybe then I would really look for someone to depend upon; someone with a strong shoulder; who could carry my life's worth of weight as well as his..without bending, without braking and most of all, without even feeling like I owe him; but that it would be natural for him to do it. I guess that's what every woman out there needs: I only found out this recently; and it's probably not a very big deal for many...but, then again, I'm not every woman...

Still, now I've decided. I will open myself for a good thing, for someone better; I'm not going to push everyone away just because I need to control my life. I'll let someone else do it for me for a while and we'll see what happens. I've decided to open up and greet the people around me with eyes wide open; with my own heart in my eyes; let's see how scary that is. The real me. Slowly and timidly, but for sure....


Bisous!




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