miercuri, 19 martie 2014

wild one...

Most people have up and down times, times when they feel cheery or sad, want to just have fun and have a blast or just would love to crawl in bed and forget about the world around them, and just want to be left alone.
I haven't made a secret to anyone around me about my late state of mind and spirit, all my friends knew I was having a down time, I excused myself for being so anti-social; I even stopped writing on Elance, excusing myself to my collaborators who were kind and understanding, and surprisingly supportive. All my activities came to a halt, except for coming to work, which I would have stopped also if I only could have...
I couldn't write, ride, work-out, go out with friends, didn't want to speak to friends or family, not even on the phone, so all the things that make-up my life felt like paralyzed, and even my boyfriend had a hard time coping with me.
After a long time of absence on my blogs, I shyly started posting again, loosened up and launched on my social media channels, started budging around in this virtual world that is part of my life through these blogs I conceived. I've made these blogs as a means of escape from my office desk, as a way of expression and release of long suppressed feelings, as the way to reach and touch the world around. These blogs were and still are my way of not being a no one, of being someone that has something to say, of getting in touch with people who think the same. And while writing for so long I understood that this is what I can do best: write. It was strange and funny at the same time, since I never saw myself as a potential writer, even though I've been keeping journals where every little emotion was magnified since third grade! And I've never understood that this is what I can really do, easily and with pleasure. The only downside is when I feel bad, then even this stops, it's like my mind is shutting down.
It's even more strange that once I started writing about things that I like and want I started knowing myself better, as if once writing everything down my life started taking shape. And I then understood that I have so much to say because I'm not mainstream. I have all these little bits and pieces that make me different, little bits that used to make me feel an outsider, but now revolve around me and make up who I really am.

I am that girl who went to the big city and suffered as hell in the beginning from missing her family so much, I am that scared girl who got a job in a big company and worked for little to no money, who lost many of her dear ones on the way so much so that for years she couldn't really smile,  I am the employee that was dreaming of being important and traveling to see the world but then understood that life is much more different. I am that same girl who still managed to see some of the world, managed to talk to people from different corners of the world and understood finally that it's the people that make the place, and that it's people she wants to know, not just visit places.
I am indeed the crazy woman that at 24 stepped out of a relation that was going for 5 years and was heading towards a boring and doomed marriage; I am the woman that with 26 started riding a motorcycle, started hanging out with a motorcycle club and found them a good influence, because she was even wilder before meeting them, they became an anchor and made her yet once more understand what is the power of a community, and what huge change riding a bike can be in one's life.

 Needless to say I am that same crazy person who at 28 started understanding that fears are only there to keep us back and I always want to go forward, so I started taking horse riding lessons

and found out it was the perfect thing for her, that same woman that decided she didn't want to eat animals anymore and became a vegetarian,
 My raw path
 that same person who started looking for inner balance, after one whole life of feeling on the edge. That same person who parties hard and drives fast, rides until she's all a sweat, works out and sings her lungs out,
and writes so fast that her fingers fly. That same woman who is only afraid of not trying it all, of being regular and bored, of being stupid and uninteresting to herself. That same girl who knew and still knows three foreign languages and learns Latin and decided she wants to learn Swedish since she thinks she might want to move to Sweden, that same girl who's still dancing until 5 am in the club

 and is about to learn swimming after a lifetime of fear of water....
And all my passions are based on a regular or even quite small wage, writing only gave little help until now; so money is really not an impediment if you are really determined to push against a shrinking system. It is enough to be wild enough and wish hard, even though you won't really know all the time what you are wishing for...passions should not be held back by material barriers, if there's a will, there's a way!

Be wild!

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